The Cracked Blade

well i have come to a decision regarding the blog, something that i didn’t want to do. Starting tonight, i have blocked part of my blog off to the public. Starting with a great suggestion that i can relax and get my feelings and thoughts out, to being informed by my medical provider that this would be an excellent release of pent up stress so i don’t have a heart-attack, this blog has gone through many changes. but apparently my frustrations make several people highly uncomfortable, so in retrospect, i have choosen to password protect my 1st admendment right to free speech. life goes on, those i have made angry are angry, so on and so forth. for those who want the password and that i can trust, you know how to get ahold of me. it really galls me that in a society of free speech, i cannot express my anger and frustration in a personal forum which takes effort to actively seek out and read. well i’m off back to my homework, my medically prescribed break/dinner is over and i’m back to finishing up a book for next week over globalization.

When you can’t walk, you crawl. When you can’t crawl, you ask someone to carry you. —Firefly

Thanks to who reminded me of this quote.

ugh, mornings suck, as all can tell from the first post of the day. my diet is going so badly, it isn’t even funny. i’m supposed to relax for 30 min a day, and then work out 30 minutes a day…you know, all of this to stave off having an early heart attack at the young age of 26. after being able to handle half of that last week, this week has torn the crap out of me and i feel like crap. hell, i haven’t even had 15 minutes since monday morning to sit back and breath and relax, maybe do some yoga to loosen up your body. the degree of detoxing your body with all these healthy fruits and veggies is insane…they just don’t taste good anymore. my oatmeal and i have become mortal enemies. as i sit here, eating my breakfast, staring at mein kampf which i read alot of the night before, sometimes you have to wonder if this american obsession with immortality is really worth it (and yes, i can say american, i have been to other countries where i have been questioned on why we have such an obsession among other things.) food, which once i enjoyed, is now a chore, a survival technique just so i won’t die during the day, the bland, tasteless gruel infront of me reminds me of that. it could be that i just didn’t sleep well last night (if you could imagine the nightmares i have sometimes, you would want me commited…yet they are nothing compaired to what i’ve really done in the past.) i’ve been told that alot of people with my background suffer a strange sort of “survivor’s guilt,” that it is natural to have these feelings. on grey days like this, it is hard not to remember as you sometimes recognize similarities between a madman that your reading and yourself. Well my gruel is done, and I should get to the shower. time for another wonderful day of getting the shit kicked out of me when i’m feeling frustrated at life and my diet. (hopefully mom won’t call and nag me on my diet and the pills that i’ve been prescribed…just not one of those mornings.)