The Cracked Blade

In finding yourself, you don’t know what you might lose until it is too late.

Today has been one of those busy days in which I wonder what kind of life I really live. I have been so busy with insignificant things today that I forget what it is that I do…it is a strange feeling just to think about that fact, I know what I want and how to get there, but doing it is still a strange feeling even though I am just traveling along the same path that I have been traveling the last 4 years. I know that I have done good in this life, but sometimes it feels like my sins to do that good far outweigh the good that I have done. Strange that, growing up I always felt like I wanted to be that knight in shining armor they always talk about in the fairy tales…a valent prince or fearless hero, fighting for “good” because that is what the knight in shining armor does. Sometimes I can miss that childhood fantasy, that lie I could tell myself because somehow the world can work that way. I know when this fantasy was shattered, when it was irrevokably slain just like that mythical dragon with the magic sword. Sometimes the armor has to be shucked, thrown away like the garbage that it is, a pure illusion made to make us feel good. I don’t begrudge the knight in shining armor, they are more important today than they have ever been. But I no longer am that knight, my armor hung up in the closet for good. It just no longer fits me, not like it used to. For every knight in shining armor there is the shadow knight walking the path of greater good while living the nightmares the shining knight bypasses. They are the ones who see the pain of humanity, of the dark things that creep through the darkest times. These shadow knights are the real heroes, often ignored for the sins they commit for the greater good, the pain they bring to themselves so others should not suffer. Some memories are easier to forget than others…why do those bad memories always come to the forefront when others make mention to the “good old days…”? Silly things memories, they can trap your senses even though they are no longer tactile outside of a faded scar, mental or physical, upon your body. Writing of this helps, it always helps, but the price will always be there in my dreams.
With memories like this, I was amazed at what I have been able to accomplish today, completing most of the goals that I put forth for the day, but after memories that were brought up today I still feel like I have not accomplished half of what I set forth to do. I think I can blame that on my A personality which I got from mom, hurray for being a perfect A/B split…I am organized and disorganized all at the same time and from time to time it gets on me. Guess that is why I spent 15 minutes this morning cleaning my relatively clean bedroom (although the protective layer of dust remains so my headboard doesn’t get too dirty ). I am proud that my grade book is up to date, that can be my huge accomplishment for the day. Now if I can wake up in the morning I will complete another large goal before class I will be doing well for the week. 7 AM seems early now but that is just because I stay up till the wee hours of the morning working. I think tonight I will try and sleep, maybe throw in a good movie to fall asleep to.