“I have stared out upon the sea of humanity and watched the waves created by the conflict within its turbulent waters, of the hopes and dreams of those carried deeply from within the waves dashed against the rocks or sent soaring into the crystal air from the sea of humanity to stand far above the turbulences below. The warm reflection upon the surface of the water or the cold deeps down far below, people always find their place within the sea of life, yet we are not confined to just one level. Throughout our lives we float from the bottom to the top of the sea of life, never staying place, always moving, always changing, and always learning. And in all of this, we seem to almost always lose ourselves right before we are able to save ourselves. We can never truly drown within the sea of humanity and life; we are never truly lost within the cascading waves. The challenge is finding where we might belong at a certain point of time, and always having that change upon us in a moments notice. I have learned this through life, even at my young age. I am not a great philosopher such as Plato or Socrates, I am barely a student of life let alone a teacher of this wondrous sea of humanity, but I have learned to occasionally float upon the surface. I have had many titles within my lifetime; I have been a teacher, a friend, a leader, and hero. A student, an enemy, a follower, and a villain, these are all different parts that I have learned to be, but the hardest one that I have ever encountered is the title of hero. Why would hero be the hardest title that I have ever held? Heroes are those which the waves of life throw out of the water to set as a shinning example of what humanity can be. They are not confined to the simple boundaries of life, they stand above it. The can do the impossible and never even consider the consequences. Yes, I am proud of being a hero, yet always I remember the meanings of that title. I was a leader of men, I taught them to swim the sea of humanity, to become their own men, their own teachers, their own students. Saving those drowning with the sea of humanity became a focus for my life even as I was drowning myself. The simple fact about becoming a hero is that most people forget that they are human also and first most. I can drown also, and I have drowned within the sea of doubts and fears. I am not a true hero, I cannot be a true hero, for I have never learned how to save myself. It is a hard fact of life to admit to ones own faults, but to learn from them is something even the best of us never do. The true heroes are those I had taught the meaning of life to. They are the self-sacrificing, the self motivating, the self saving ones. There comes a particular time in a child’s life when they realize that there is something more, where awareness sparks and energy rushes through them like a swift ocean current driving them and pushing them into greatness. The true heroes are children, for they are the greatest driving force within the sea of humanity, they are the currents to the future. Diving and surfing, bobbing upon the sea, children are the driving force of what it means to be a hero.”
Damian Miller, The End of the Rainbow, 2003
Today has been one of those days in which the weather was perfect, all on my relative day off. I was able to sleep in and shrug off the effects of historiography last night, although in all I didn’t sleep well. It wasn’t so much nightmares (which I am way too comfortable with after these last 10 years), but just really wierd dreams. I want to blame it upon the nacho dip that I made for a late dinner last night, but it could be from multiple stresses in life. I really have no clue.
Waking up to a kitten using your foot as his personal scratching post is a little uncomfortable, and ended up him getting swatted off the bed with a pillow following him out the bedroom. I swear that my kitten does this because he finds it is fun and a challenge. Yet another thing in my life that likes to torture me cause it is fun;-)
I cranked the hot water heater from low to hot, and then sat around for 30 minutes waiting for the longest hot shower that I’ve had in ages (sat around is a nice way to put that I curled up back in my comforter and cursed the daylight that was shining through my window so early). Someday I want to have one of those huge bathtubs, with the water jets to massage my back (which is still sore from the chair I sat in last night), just so I can wake up and have a bath instead of a shower 
I wouldn’t have to worry about Trouble playing in it, an open pool of water=unhappy kitty…he hates the stuff and hates getting any sort of wet (although he doesn’t complain too much when I give him his weekly bath…ok, yeah he does…but he smells clean after he dries off). My bathroom was a steambath this morning, and it felt so good. (I grew up swimming and have always loved the water. Guess that makes sense why I was a lifeguard for 6 years)
I spent about 5 hours over at my advisors house this afternoon helping out getting ready for his grandson’s b-day party this weekend. It was a fun day, just a little longer than I was planning, but still I was glad to come home this evening. After that I ate an unhealthy dinner of taco dip (my younger bro’s recipe…it is ok, but needs something…like veggies) and a good few hours of movies (I very much recommend Kingdom of Heaven…it is an interesting view of the crusades and in my opinion of a historical film, a good one. It doesn’t pull punches on right or wrong, and it is self evident in the movie). Horray for relaxation…I feel so much better today than I did last night after class.
This evening has been spent hanging out with a friend of mine, so all in all nothing productive was accomplished. Go figure. I have done alot for the week, so I shouldn’t feel too guilty, but I do want to do more. But I am being creative and adding some of my writings from a book that I have written and looking to eventually have published, titled The End of the Rainbow. I wrote this in a very dark point of my life, but I really think it shows the human spirit shining through and alot of thinking. I like to call it a modern day fairy tale, with its own heroes, wise sages, a beautiful maiden, and dark monsters…those who have read it love the story, although if i get about a week’s worth of free time, I want to deconstruct it and fix areas which fill my correction notebook. If anyone really wants to read it, I could arrange a copy sent to someone. Anyways, with my wake up looming in 6 hours, I should post one more thing and head to bed. Sleep well everyone and pleasant dreams.
In finding yourself, you don’t know what you might lose until it is too late.
Today has been one of those busy days in which I wonder what kind of life I really live. I have been so busy with insignificant things today that I forget what it is that I do…it is a strange feeling just to think about that fact, I know what I want and how to get there, but doing it is still a strange feeling even though I am just traveling along the same path that I have been traveling the last 4 years. I know that I have done good in this life, but sometimes it feels like my sins to do that good far outweigh the good that I have done. Strange that, growing up I always felt like I wanted to be that knight in shining armor they always talk about in the fairy tales…a valent prince or fearless hero, fighting for “good” because that is what the knight in shining armor does. Sometimes I can miss that childhood fantasy, that lie I could tell myself because somehow the world can work that way. I know when this fantasy was shattered, when it was irrevokably slain just like that mythical dragon with the magic sword. Sometimes the armor has to be shucked, thrown away like the garbage that it is, a pure illusion made to make us feel good. I don’t begrudge the knight in shining armor, they are more important today than they have ever been. But I no longer am that knight, my armor hung up in the closet for good. It just no longer fits me, not like it used to. For every knight in shining armor there is the shadow knight walking the path of greater good while living the nightmares the shining knight bypasses. They are the ones who see the pain of humanity, of the dark things that creep through the darkest times. These shadow knights are the real heroes, often ignored for the sins they commit for the greater good, the pain they bring to themselves so others should not suffer. Some memories are easier to forget than others…why do those bad memories always come to the forefront when others make mention to the “good old days…”? Silly things memories, they can trap your senses even though they are no longer tactile outside of a faded scar, mental or physical, upon your body. Writing of this helps, it always helps, but the price will always be there in my dreams.
With memories like this, I was amazed at what I have been able to accomplish today, completing most of the goals that I put forth for the day, but after memories that were brought up today I still feel like I have not accomplished half of what I set forth to do. I think I can blame that on my A personality which I got from mom, hurray for being a perfect A/B split…I am organized and disorganized all at the same time and from time to time it gets on me. Guess that is why I spent 15 minutes this morning cleaning my relatively clean bedroom (although the protective layer of dust remains so my headboard doesn’t get too dirty 
). I am proud that my grade book is up to date, that can be my huge accomplishment for the day. Now if I can wake up in the morning I will complete another large goal before class I will be doing well for the week. 7 AM seems early now but that is just because I stay up till the wee hours of the morning working. I think tonight I will try and sleep, maybe throw in a good movie to fall asleep to.
Why is the concept of following directions seem impossible now?
Well today it really felt like fall was begining, it was cold and rainy most of the day. I have no problem with this if A) I had a fire place and a good book to curl up with and some hot chocolate, B) if i didn’t have to drive around in it when people were acting really dumb just cause it rained, and C) I didn’t feel so exhausted today for no good reason. I think the fact that my b-day coming up next week is bumming me out a bit, i just thought i would be much farther along in my life at the age of 26. Not to say that grad school isn’t great, but sometimes you have to wonder “what if…”. It is wierd to think the paths that my life has taken up to now, I know for a fact that I couldn’t have guessed what my life would be like until now. I am still scared by the idea that I am in gradschool, it is a huge leap and commitment, a type of commitment that I haven’t made in years since I had my heart ripped out by the last one several years back. I don’t want to say that I have commitment problems, but as I’ve been told by friends, I am jaded romantic…I love the idea of true love, but my heart can’t take being hurt again.
In other news, outside of the dread of hitting my late 20’s, today has just been one of those days in which I did alot of work, but it still feels like i was unproductive. I guess gettting alot done in the morning but missing class cause I didn’t pay attention to the clock had alot to do with it. I so didn’t mean to miss class, but it just happened because I got too involved with some of my historiography reading for wens that it just passed me by. I also made several archaeology maps today for Doc R, and if I say so, they look awesome. I wish i had spent more time playing with that stuff today, but I didn’t make it to the lab like I needed, so I didn’t have the files in front of me when I worked. Ancient history was fun today, but the movie that I decided to show was horrible and I felt bad about it. That is what I get when I previewed the movie while cooking dinner this weekend.
I guess what made me feel so unproductive today was that I came home and sat down this afternoon, I didn’t do anything that could be concidered productive, not even reading a book. I have had alot of snuggle time with Trouble today, he has been esspecally loving and playful (I have the scratch on the bottom of my foot this morning to testify to his playfulness today…), so that does make me feel better. And it isn’t like i played all that many games today, just 2 hours, which is a nice break but unnessisary. Tomorrow I will be able to get alot more done with my day, I will be adding in alot to my grade book in the morning, reading a few chapters tomorrow in several books, hitting the lib to pick up more material to study before I have office hours, and head home to clean up my appartment (mostly the socks that Trouble plays with all day when I am gone), maybe get to put together a costume for this weekend (can we say galabia again this halloween), have dinner with Phi Alpha Theta’s initiates, and then sit down at home and write part of a paper tomorrow (I think the begining of my 590 paper). Just part of the life of a grad student…or lack there of…
“When the darkness falls and all light has forsaken you, with the clawing of guilt and fear clutching at your soul, and you can find yourself suddenly alone for the first time. At that moment you are forever tempered, hardened and sharpened into the finest blade ever, or shatter upon the forge of tribulations. I choose to survive as that scarred blade.”
Damian Miller, Fall 2005
Well it begins again, I am trying to keep up to date on a blog and hopefully I will be more productive on it than I have been in the past It doesn’t hurt that I had a beautiful woman suggest that I start up a blog again
Well last week was one of the most insane weeks (and depressing) that I have had in years. The week itself started out insane, but got alot better as the week went on, even having dinner with a good friend which helped make my week 100% better. I also wanted to give congrats to my best friend getting engaged, I have been hearing the details right now. Friday I got to play DnD as I normally do and it was a great break to lead into the weekend with. I slept until 10 on saturday, missing all the sat. morning cartoons (boo) but my body must have needed it, I haven’t coughed this entire weekend. Between napping, doing homework, and sleeping, my saturday went to waste fairly quickly, but I was quasi-productive (wish i could have done more, but i needed a break from a hecktic lifestyle).
Sunday has been the same intermediate productivity, I woke up and had a good piece of chocolate cake (this cake is this side of heaven, so much chocolate and to top it off, I had chocolate milk), graded tests, informed Trouble (my 5 month old kitten) that my date palm I brought in from my porch is not a snack, and getting some reading done (ugh, some of the most boring stuff ever). I am trying to get some work done for tomorrow, but I just can’t focus right now and I have no idea why. Just the blah’s of fall coming on I guess. I guess I will just read some more, and work on it in the morning. Horray for ancient history and archaeology, it keeps me busy when I am lonely at night.
